The Excruciating Pain of a Man Past His Prime

Look at this man below. Look at what he's trying to do. Hold your tears:



He is a glowering example of a man. A man past his prime. You see, back in the early eighties, late seventies, this man was the shit. He could score any Bitch that he wanted. With his shirt slightly unbuttoned and his pants tight enough to notice an artificially produced bulge (folded hand towel), he would've cleaned up. Now this picture appears to be from sometime recent. In these days, this man will do anything but pick up a bitch, especially that Katie Couric looking bitch with the fake smile that he's hitting on. Notice that he's doing an outdated ass move and his hairline is receding faster than the french infantry, not to mention he's holding what appears to be a strong drink. The drink serving its purpose as curtain, a curtain obscuring his once great past as a fucking pimp ass motherfucker. Now he's just some cocksucking fucksap with no wits and a receding hairline

The Last Ass Category I forgot to post

The Perfect Ass
What the fuck do you want? A joke? Shit, it's the perfect ass, let me fuckin behold.

Most Offensive Thing Ever

Elephant Pissing in Your Ear

Three Categories of Asses and Their Lovers

Now, these days, thanks to the decline of Ally McBeal and the popularity of hip hop, the woman's booty has experienced an upsurge in importance. Because of this upsurge, you guys need me to make sense of the situation. I will. Ladies and gentlemen, The Four Categories of Asses and Their Lovers.

CAT 1: The Ghetto Booty



Ah yes, the ghetto booty. Recently, it has experienced an explosion in growth, both in size and popularity. The ghetto booty is a large, plump ass that tends to stick out, defying the laws of gravity. The ghetto booty usually belongs to a hispanic or a black woman, however, there have been white women seen with one. People who admire this manifestation of junk in the trunk tend to be from the hip hop crowd, though it made include the occasional middle aged white businessman and always a depraved fuck who was secretly in love with his mother. Advantages: A lot to grip, cushion for the pushin. Disadvantages: Too much to grip, too much cushion for the pushin'. Oh yeah and usually a fuckload of disgusting cellulite. Ugh.

CAT 2: The Emaciated No-Ass

The Emaciated No-Ass is a type of ass or lack of thereof that makes you want to feed the girl who owns it. It looks like their sitting on a deflated airbag, and if one of them sits on your lap, then you're going to suffer bruising. But scooting past the severe contusions, you do eventually see the beauty of an ass the makes the girl look like an innie from the back. Lovers of this kind of ass includes no one and coke addicts stuck in the 90s. Advantages: Great if you want to save money by purchasing children's jeans. Disadvantages: Severe lack of lumbar support, causation of nausea, overall nastiness.

To Be continued tommorow, im fuckin tired

The Most Offensive Thing Ever

Infant Porn

The Most Offensive Thing Ever

Your Grandmother gargling diarrhea

The Most Offensive Thing Ever

The most offensive thing ever will be an as daily as possible feature here at the low budget. It is a phrase or pretty much any kind of bullshit that will seriously offend some people. Here is the first.

Shit on your Tits

The Sad Rise of the Clip Show

Ladies and Gentlemen, think back to the VH1 of the past. It was the television equivalent to an adult contemporary radio station. It was safe. Boring. Sedate. But one day, I woke up at about 1:30 after a hard night of being punk rock as hell, turned on the television and saw a fresh installment of I Love The 80s. While hearing a vaguely witty comment from Michael Ian Black, I realized that clip shows like those were the future of VH1. The format goes like so: show clips of inane pop culture bullshit, then have D list celebrities comment on them. Now, I never gave a fuck about VH1 to begin with, however there already is E! if you want reality/tabloid/clip show bullshit. And what in the flying fuck is a "celebrity oops"? One of the flagship shows on E!'s shit parade is 100 Most Embarassing Celebrity Oops. This is a show that has *surprise* D list celebrities commenting on how stupid Julia Roberts was to marry Lyle Lovett. Of course, the result of all these shows is a bunch of subpar teenage pseudointellectual pop culture aficionados. Just typing that makes me want to eat my own shit.

Daytime Television

In appreciation of all of you housewives, I've decided to make a review of the shit you watch. Daytime television shows.

Jerry Springer


Springer has gotten to the point of near legitimacy. Though he
happens to be the king of absolute shit, he's respected enough to get his own shitty special on VH1. Were it not for Springer, we wouldn't know what the Republican voting constituency looks like. Springer gets: B+

Judge Judy


A menopausal bitch who shrilly insults women that don't discuss the terms of a blender rental. If you someone didn't return your tire iron, or if they took 50 cents from your purse, you go to Judge Judy's small claims court. Then you can have a cunt that gets paid 30 million dollars a year yell at you on national television. This makes me want to go back to the days of Judge Mills Lane, who was a badass without being an insufferable psychobitch. Judy gets: D

The View


5 women sit around and talk shit. It includes Star Jones. Enough said: F

Ricki Lake

Washed up, fat ass, former weather bitch that no one stands. Reminds me of the dumbass who always cries about how guys don't like women for their personalities, just for their big tits. Then proceeds to get plastic surgery in order to have big tits. She's retarded as hell and her only fans are three hundred pound depressed white women who are divorced with 14 kids. Ricki's grade: D

Maury Povich


It seems to me that Maury Povich selects his guests directly from a food stamp line. If it isn't Bonquisha with her 7 children, its always some hispanic woman with fourteen names. The usual show runs like so: trot out sluts, hear their sob story about how hard it is to raise a child, then bring out the 7 or 8 brain dead dickweeds who possibly impregnated her. It's guaranteed that two of those cockmunches are cousins who hi five each other everytime that one of them calls the woman a bitch. Maury opens the envelope, says who the father of the child is, then listens to the new father dutifully dote about how hes going to assume responsibility, only to see the open legged whore he impregnated on the show three months later bitching about how all he did was watch prison movies and play with little boys. Maury: C

More Tommorrow

Racists

Back in the day, racists were truly racist. They didn't like people who didn't look or act like them, strictly for that reason. They didn't hide it. You would never mistake this sumbitch to the right for a member of the NAACP. As a matter of fact, you wouldn't mistake him for anything but the bigot he is. Now my point here is, nowadays, there are still folks like him around, but they try to mask their racism. With little success. Do you remember that guy that would be talking in a group that included a black or a hispanic and everytime Tyrone/Julio would walk away, they'd make a comment like "What do niggers know anyway?" or "I was afraid Julio was gonna steal my wallet for a minute there". Maybe its something about living in the south. Who knows. Anyway, those people fuckin piss me the fuck off.

Strange Love

Love is truly blind. Actually love is fucking blind as hell, proven by this beast and beauty couple.

I Molest Shock Jocks

You wake up one morning and to get through your morning routine without falling face first into last night's pile of beer puke, you switch on the radio. What you stumble upon is a hack Howard Stern wannabe coaxing a three hundred pound man into getting his two inch dick sucked by a retarded basset hound. These people remind me of that guy in high school that would always respond to jabs at their enormous ego by repeating that they fucked your mother last night. Yes we know you're an insecure fuck who thinks the rest of us can live without hearing about how you shit yourself and tried to have a hooker give you rimjob, but please; its nothing to brag about



Thanks to J-Dubz and Beefnut's morning asylum, we can wake up with the sound of a washed up pornstar inserting Cheefey the gay midget's moped keys in her vagina. Now, because of the fine audio artistry of a shock jock, I finally, after all these years, know what Jamal the black jewish hermaphrodite's retching sounds like after sucking the toes of a 47 year old cross-dresser named Gino. Thank god for Shock Jocks, the likes of which I molest with startling regularity.

Creds to Tyler H. Craige

Fat Chicks

The next time I see an enormous fat women declare that their big and their beautiful, I'm going to pull my nails out one by one. No Mrs. Jones-Reynolds, FAT does not stand for "fabulous and thick". It stands for cholesterol filled, cellulite ridden, unhealthy ugly ass bitches.



This is not hot. This is fucking disgusting

By the way, the proliferation of the chunk is not just the fault of these ugly fat bitches. It too is the fault of these assholes who run around proclaiming that they want "meat on their bones" when what the really get is more rolls than a bakery and enough cottage cheese to fill a salad bar.



Again, this is not hot. This is fucking disgusting

A Tribute to Triumph

Today is a day of jubilation for those who suffer from eating disorders, specifically anorexia. Joe Zabrowski, who used to weigh a mere 92 pounds, has defeated anorexia. "It took a lot of work, I mean, I've been banned from like, 13 buffets"




Zabrowski, who is also gay, suffered from teasing all through his life because of his weight. He decided to defeat his anorexia and find a male life partner to stop all the antagonizing.

The Importance of Malt Liquor

Malt Liquor, sometimes referred to as a proper noun like "Olde English" or "colt 45" is an important part of our lives. An Example, you ask? Think of you having to take a wicked piss and you're in a car, during a long trip in which you cannot make any stops. You look around and all you see is the sobe your jock buddy is sipping on, a pussy ass starbucks double shot can rolling around and a big motherfuckin empty 40 on a seat. Which one is going to serve you best in that situation? The motherfuckin 40, that's what.

Were it not for Malt Liquor, there would be no Boyz in da Hood/ Menace 2 Society/Juice/Don't be a menace.../movies involving young black men. The 'hood movies might as well be a gigantic ad for malt liquor,which isn't something that would bother me.

Of course, there is two sides to every issue and this one is no exception. You could look fuckin cool as a motherfucker, like the guy up top right or look racist like the fine product offered below.




Either way you choose to do it, Malt liquor is the shit

The New One

Fans of my old blog, Flying Boners will be pleased by the new look and feel of things over here at the Symposium. Things will be a little different but I hope you all enjoy. Oh yeah and eat shit.